Life Advice the Bolton Way




Thursday, August 4, 2011

hey big spender

Dear Advice Goddess:
I was brought up to believe that it's vulgar to ask people what things cost, such as their houses, cars or jewelry. A friend of my husband is always asking things like, "so how much did you pay for that TV ( or coat, ring, pushmower)?" and it drives me crazy. Do you have a snappy comeback that will shut him up?
Thanks,
Mrs. Retail Shopper

Dear Mrs. Retail Shopper,
Don’t you sometimes wish you could just shove a copy of Miss Manners in front of friends and tell ‘em to read up?  I completely sympathize with your situation, but do keep in mind that it’s possible they just aren’t a very good conversationalist and think they’re showing interest.  Then again, if you know they’re just being a snoopy S.O.B., here’s what I’d do:
1.       Do the old wave-off with your hand and say, “Oh, honey, I can’t tell you what that cost.  You’d be jealous to know what a steal I got.” 
2.       Or you can plead clueless (although sooo not my style): “Oh, I don’t keep numbers running around in my head these days.  I’ve got better things to think about, but I’m sure you could check on the website if you really wanna know.”
3.       “Oh, that?  That cost about 50 minutes of arguing with the husband in front of the salesperson and half a liter of margaritas beforehand.” 
4.       “That right there?  That’s the price of happiness right there.”  (I figure if you keep saying that, they’ll figure it out.  Kinda like when you say “take off your muddy shoes before you come in” 500 times to your kids.  They get it whether they admit it or not.)
5.       Or my personal answer, “What’d it cost?  Didn’t pay any attention.  Just threw it on the credit card.  Uncle Clyde always said price only matters when you’re talking hookers or beer.”  I’m not really sure it makes a whole lotta sense, but I’ve learned ain’t nobody got a comeback for it.
Then again, there’s always the basic, blunt “My momma’d kick your ass for asking a question like that.  We don’t talk about money ‘round here.  She’d be rollin’ in her grave.”  Nothing like a guilt trip to shut ‘em up.
Bottom line:  If he’s really your friend, then chuck it in the annoying habits pile and get over it.  There are far worse ones he could have.  If he’s best left as the acquaintance type, make it crystal clear you aren’t telling him.  That’s the “cost” of your friendship.

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

not brad paisley's online character YET

Dear Bolton Carley,
I just graduated from college, but I don’t have a job yet.  My parents said I could move home with them, but I haven’t lived at home since I left for college.  I like them, but I don’t want to live with them anymore.  The only problem is that I don’t have any money to live on my own either, and I already have a million student loans that I’ll be paying off for years.  Is it giving up to live at home?
Signed,
College Grad

Dear College Grad,
First off, congrats on graduating!  You survived the freshman 15, the I.D. checks at the bar, the cafeteria food, the 8am classes, and all the fresh meat to get a degree.  That’s a huge accomplishment.  Unfortunately, now your reward is trying to find a job to pay Aunt Fanny Mae (Damn her!) back all her dough instead of baking your sorry ass on a beach somewhere.  No one is happy about that, but you gotta do what you gotta do, and that includes moving home if you don’t want to add to your debt. 
I highly doubt it will be as bad as you think.  For one thing, won’t it be nice to have mom doing your laundry, making you hot roast beef sandwiches, and picking up your favorite pop at the grocery store?  (Oh, does that only happen at my parents’ house?  Sorry.) 
Seriously though, your parents are used to life without you, they probably aren’t any more thrilled than you are about the situation. But that’s what families do.  They work together for the best possible outcome.  And right now, your best possibility is to live rent-free with the gracious people who offered you a place to stay while you find the perfect job.  It’s not like you have to be there all day every day.  You can leave the house and go places.  You’re not 14 and driver’s license-less.   Just remember to thank your parents often, limit details about your personal life in front of them, and scour every internet site and newspaper and billboard till you accept an offer and kick back to watch Netflix in your new apartment.
Bottom line:  Giving up is permanently hiding in your parents’ basement with your cat and video game collection.  Wisely living rent-free for a few months is a whole ‘nother deal.
bc

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

beyonce knows the answer!

Dear Bolton Carley,
I’ve been with this guy for over five years.  We live together, and he even talks about having kids together, but I still don’t have an engagement ring.  I’ve tried hinting.  I even made him stop to look at rings in the mall one day, but no such luck.  He keeps saying there’s no hurry, but I’m tired of waiting around.  If I don’t get married soon, there won’t be any decent guys left.
Sincerely,
The Girlfriend for Life

Dear Girlfriend for Life,
I’m sure it is difficult to be on somebody else’s time table.  I get cranky if the rest of the world is standing in line for a blizzard at DQ at the exact time I am, let alone if I had to sit around for a man to plant a ring on me.   However, I would say you have some options.
First of all, I think you should state your case one more time.  Let him know all the reasons you would both benefit from marriage.  Be sure to speak his language (like he would get to see your boobs every day for the rest of his life or you’d have cheaper insurance).  Make him want to get married, but only try this once.  Then sit back and wait a month or two.  Continuing to bring it up or hounding him about it will only prove he is smartest not to marry you because you will instantly become the nagging wife right after being his bridezilla.  Ain’t no guy looking for that!
If that doesn’t work, I’d have to bring up the fact that you are living with him and he’s kinda used to having all things you at his convenience so in his mind there’s no need to rock the boat. (The bed: yes. The boat:  no.)  So how do you handle that?  You make yourself scarce.  Does your company need you to go on a business trip?  Do you have some vacation time you could use to visit old friends or family or even go sit on a beach in Hawaii?  Do you have a friend who’s going to be out of town that you could house sit for?  Or if all that fails, just don’t be home much.  Get that raving social life going with trips to the gym, drinks with the girls, or sand volleyball league.  Just don’t be readily available. 
They weren’t kidding when they said distance makes the heart grow fonder (hence the reason why grandma always likes your cousins that she only sees once a year best even though you mow her yard for her).  I guarantee you’ll see more appreciation, unless you don’t…  And if you don’t, it ain’t gonna happen.   In which case, run, Girlfriend, run!  Get outta Dodge before it’s too late to find a new mate! 
Bottom line:  If he likes it then he shoulda put a ring on it and if he still doesn’t whisk you up, then it’s time to find some fresh meat.

Monday, August 1, 2011

friends don't let friends not take the job

Dear Bolton Carley,
I hate my job, but love the people I work with.  I have been at the company for 7 years.  My two best friends are women I met there and can’t stand the thought of leaving, but I got offered a job that pays more and gives me a creative outlet.  I’m afraid I won’t have any time to see my old friends and that they may not want to see me if I ditch them.  Plus, I won’t always be around to be in on the inside jokes.  Do I just stay where I’m at for my friends or do I take the new job?
Cassie

Dear Cassie,
It sounds like you’ve got the 7-year itch, and nobody likes to wear calamine lotion!  Yes, it’s a tough decision to make, but you can do it. Perhaps there’s no perfect answer, but I think it’s time to talk to your friends.  (I recommend over cheesecake or double fat chocolate lattes and brownies.) 
It sounds like you have a well-established friendship.  Tell them about the new job (just remember not to say how you hate moving the piles of shit around at your current job – the one they will still have).  Tell them how excited you are about being creative and doing something new.  No real friend is going to want to take that away from you.  They will back you whole-heartedly.  Sure, you might not know every little detail about their days anymore, but it doesn’t mean you won’t still be friends. 
Make an effort to set up a weekly date with them.  It could be after-work drinks or shopping at the mall, whatever you normally would do, but be sure to follow through.  Heck, it could just be a daily conference call at lunch!  Because even though you may not know every detail of their work, you do know the basics of their job so it will still be easy to understand their world and be interested.  Plus, just think what a happier friend they will get if you take and love the new job, or maybe you’ll have more money to take them to Cancun (or at least buy ‘em a Slim Jim’s wiener at the corner hot dog stand).
Bottom line:  You have to do what’s right for you.  Never let someone hold you back, but don’t leave those someones in the dust, either.